When most of us think of treasure or hear the word treasure, we are transported back to the land of pirates or King Arthur. We envision grand wooden chests overloaded with jewels and gold. For most of us, that is how we measure our weath…buy the amount of money we have in the bank or by how much our treasure chests are overflowing.
As for me, I have found and learned something new. My true treasure lies within my heart. Afterall, what is in my heart is a direct reflection of my thoughts and what comes out of my mouth. Over the past few months, I have been so full of negative treasure, it would make your head spin. On the outside I appear to have it all together, to have a positive attitude…and yes, I am trying, really trying to control my attitude, but the real truth is, my heart has been filled with hurt, neglect and all in all, negative crap.
If I had to lay it out, itemize and take inventory of my treasure, I would see the following:
1. Depression
2. Self Doubt
3. Self Denial
4. Weakness
5. Despair
6. Wanting to give up
7. Unrealistic expectations of myself.
8. A little glimmer of hope
9. A little glimmer of love
10. A little glimmer of happiness
The problem is, that items 8, 9 and 10 were buried way down deep underneath items 1 through 7!
IT’s so true, what is inside of me is relevant by what comes out of my mouth…Just ask my husband. Poor Man…I had started to drift away from him because of “what I felt he was doing to me…or lack theirof!” I was making excuses for my negative treasure by placing the blame on my spouse! “You don’t love me, You don’t appreciate me, You don’t find me attractive, You don’t support me, You don’t this or You don’t that!!”
Poor guy, he never stood a chance. I had built of these expectations of what I expected of myself and what I thought he wanted me to be that I totally set myself up for failure. I was putting all my self worth in the hands of a human being…who was struggling just to understand what was happening to his wife and trying to figure out how to help her before she went over the deep end!!
What stopped me from going over the deep end? What jerked me out of my “Funk”? I realized that my negative treasure was consuming my thoughts and coming out In my attitude. Why is it so important for me to figure this out? Because knowing what my treasure is forces me to look at what’s wrong with me, not what is wrong with everyone else. Nobody but that treasure into my vault. My husband didn’t make a deposit of hatred or bitterness into the bank of Darci. Nope, that was all me.
I have learned that I control what I choose to do and, once I make that choice, that choice controls me. I chose to wallow in depression and self hatred. Therfore, the result of that choice was that I was becoming miserable and making people around me feel the same. I allowed other peoples opinions of me, not God’s, decide what type of person I had become. I will never truly be free until I start seeing me as God see’s me, not as people see me.
Matthew 15 16-20 says:
16-20Jesus replied, "You, too? Are you being willfully stupid? Don't you know that anything that is swallowed works its way through the intestines and is finally defecated? But what comes out of the mouth gets its start in the heart. It's from the heart that we vomit up evil arguments, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, lies, and cussing. That's what pollutes. Eating or not eating certain foods, washing or not washing your hands—that's neither here nor there."
“But what comes out of the mouth gets its start in the heart”. No sentence rings truer in my mind right now, because I can look at that and see that is exactly what was wrong with me. I had so much negativeness in my heart, it overflowed into and out of my mouth. The thoughts in my heart made their way to my mind and then that as transformed into my outward behavior and lifestyle.
I need to change which feelings I pay attention to. Inventory item 8,9 and 10 are much more powerful than 1-7 however, I wasn’t choosing to look at nor pay attention to those feelings. Now, I can say, yes, I feel items 1- 7 but I am not going to pay attention to them. I am not going to make them my treasure nor am I going to let those feelings rule who I become. If I dwell and fuss over items 1-7, I will just bring myself down and those around me. These negative feelings are just an indication of what I need to change in my life. The lie I have been telling myself is that “I can’t help the way I feel” or “I can’t change the way I feel” and the truth is, I really can.
I can have feelings, but I don’t always have to dwell and meditate on them. Bad things are going to happen, especially in a marriage. Marriage isn’t easy, even for the best of us and the truth is, often, we as humans, would rather run and give up than stick it through and fight for the reward.
The problems I was having in my marriage is a direct reflection of the treasure I have had stored up in my heart. These treasures are definitely contrary to what constitutes a healthy relationship. We (I) don’t (won’t) get the real awesomeness of marriage without paying the price…and that price is self evaluation. The price is learning that the treasures in my heart are what is causing the issues in the marriage. I truly believe that God rewards those that hang in there and choose to be healed in those situations. Relationships are hard. Life isn’t fair. It’s easy to look and blame at the other for all the problems, but it is even more painful to look at yourself and what is going on in your heart. Remember, every action begins with a thought.
Let’s be real…nobody “falls” into anything. There isn’t a little “bitterness” cloud that follows us around and rains down bitterness on us where ever we are. We are not like Eyore with that raincloud following us around. BUT, if we dwell on the bad and fill our treasure with the things I have over the past few months, then that is exactly how we will feel.
It is not a mood, it is a way of thinking and when my thinking changes it’s a way of life. How I live is going to change.
So, therefore, what are my treasures now? Well, this is only day one, but already I feel
1. A glimmer of hope
2. A glimmer of love
3. A glimmer of happiness
4. A glimmer self worth
5. A glimmer accomplishment
6. A glimmer of pride
7. A small glimmer of self doubt
8. A Small glimmer of low self esteem
9. A Small glimmer of weakness
My heart is now healing…these feelings didn’t come about overnight nor will they heal overnight but, being open and honest with my friends and family and God, will help the healing process continue. I am exercising on a daily basis now and that has been 90% of my healing. Diet and lack of moving my body really helped bring my depression to it's rock bottom. But no more. God has given me a second chance and this is how I am goning to reach my goals!!
So, now my question to you, What is your treasure??
